Please read

March is colorectal cancer awareness month. Because my sister died much too young of colon cancer that likely went undetected for years before she felt sick enough to get it checkout out (and by then it was too late), I'm spreading the word that all eligible people should get screened. She was 43 when she was diagnosed, and our family history was too spotty (rumors that grandma had something removed from her colon years ago) to prompt us to get early screenings.

At the tender age of 46, I've had two colonoscopies, and both have found nothing amiss. Yes, the prep is unpleasant, but not painful. Don't plan any errands for this time. The first one I had about a month after Kris was diagnosed, which set me up for the every-five-years plan. The second one was normal as well, and this brings me a peace of mind because immediate family members of colon cancer victims are at a higher risk of developing the disease themselves.

The thing about colon cancer is that it is relatively easy (once you get the camera in there) to diagnose and treat IF it's caught early. That's why getting a colonoscopy is so important. This link is from a young woman who had symptoms for a few years before her cancer was discovered and treated. It contains the expected joke or two that involves the backside, just so you're ready. The CDC has a page as well that describes who should get screened and how it works.

It feels right to mark the day

My sister, on the right in this photo, passed away four years ago yesterday. For some reason I had it in my head that today was the date, but it was yesterday. The ladies in the middle are our sisters in law, who are really and truly like sisters to me still. 

I was going through old pictures on my back up disk (how's that for 21st century perspective) and found this one. This was taken in 2005, the summer I filed for divorce and my siblings and their families came out and stayed at the house (where Mr W's dad lives now) for a few days. It's a big house and there was plenty of room for all. It was so good to see them, seeing this picture reminds me of how relieved I was that they came out. 

Kris was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer a year and a few months after this picture was taken. Early detection could very well have saved her life, but no one thought to look for cancer in an otherwise healthy 43 year old. One gift of this very sad affair is that my brothers and I now get checked regularly by getting our colonoscopies. So far so good. 

I think now about how I miss having her as a confidant and general sounding board. We would talk once a week or so. I still consider myself blessed with good friends and a loving and supportive family, but there is a hole there. One thing I've noticed is that I write in a journal more often than I used to. It's pretty mundane stuff, working things out. Seems a good system. 

Communication

Before I start my little rant, I wanted to mention that yesterday was my sister's birthday. She would have been 49. It will be four years next month that she's been gone. I exchanged a couple of emails with a family friend who mentioned that Kris's passing fell on the same date their dad died. February 22nd. I remember because I was 15, and the friends in that family were around the same age. For some reason, I didn't know or didn't realize the events were on the same date. Anyway, she is dearly missed, and would be so proud of her boys (now just about men).

On to my rant.

I had some medical stuff to attend to a few months ago. Nothing serious, but needed a follow up appointment six months down the road, and that happened last week. The results of that have me making another appointment, but then I should be all done but for a few follow ups.

I get home from work last Friday and, as I usually do, put my work bag down, and am ready to get the dog and go immediately to the dog park. There's a message on my machine, which I press the button to listen to. It's the nurse with the results of the follow-up appointment. She says something like, "I just tried your cell, and can't get you with this number. I don't want to leave a message, but it's not bad, at all. I'll be here for another 15 minutes, or you can call Monday."

Wha?

So I look at my cell phone, which was silenced in my purse, and she had called about five minutes prior. I just missed both calls. It's about 4:15. I call the office and.... "Our hours are 8-4 on Fridays". She was probably there, but I couldn't reach her.

I'm getting peeved just writing this again. Everything was fine, and in retrospect, because her news was so not-shocking, she must not have seen what she did as any big deal. I, on the other hand, was pushed into that panicky state where clear judgement was not close at hand. I talked myself down off that ledge, and had a pretty normal weekend, although I kept remembering that I didn't know what the results were.

I know I've stated that medical people can leave messages at either of those numbers, I just don't remember if it was that doctor. But I have trouble comprehending how the nursing staff can be so out of touch as to leave people hanging over the weekend. Don't call me after hours! Just call me Monday.

Anyway, I call yesterday, and a different nurse calls me back. She tells me what the doctor wanted to do, which does not make sense to me, and I had the logical question of "why would she want to do that?" She is unable to answer, so I press her a little and ask her to get back to me with the answers. She says I need to make an appointment, and had the appointment people NOT let me make that appointment, I would have not known everything I needed to know. The appointment person said, "No, the nurse has to make that kind of appointment for you". So I call back again, leave a message, and then she calls me back, again, and tells me what's actually going to happen, which is kind of what I was expecting, and fine and all that.

She does tell me a bit about the post-procedure stuff I'll need to do, but does not offer anything on the other end, so I ask: "Is there anything I need to do to prepare?" And she, I wish I was able to record the conversation, says, "No." And then she says something like, "Oh, besides taking Ibuprofen before hand" as though I'd somehow know to do this. I ask, "How much?" and she tells me.

So many things about this process are not as they should have been handled. The doctor is not some yokel in some tiny outpost. This is a large established practice, and I can't believe the person was following their protocol on informing patients and following up with results. I'm going to write an actual letter, I believe, now that I've gotten some of what happened out in this post.

It does point out, though, how complex the exchange of information is. But not so complex that they couldn't get it right the first time here. I'm thankful I don't have anything serious, or else I'd be scared that I wasn't getting all the correct information.

Christmas 2011

Well, the dust has settled and we're back in CO after a really nice trip to Ohio. The travel this time was as painless as it could possibly be. We were delayed by about 25 minutes when we left, but other than that, everything ran as scheduled. My brother and SIL had the anxiety-provoking experience of the TSA security people finding an unclaimed bag, right before they were to go through the checkpoint, which forced the checkpoint to close down and everyone to go to another checkpoint. The door was closing when they made it to the gate, but they made it.

It was so nice to see everyone. We ate good food, drank a lot of wine and stayed up way past our bedtimes. But for a few days, it was heaven. I don't see these people enough, and I'm going to try hard to get us together this summer. Maybe we'll rent a house or something.

Here are me and my dear sisters-in-law. I thought it would be weird to be in my sister's house without her there, and it was, but it was also OK. It felt like she wasn't forgotten, but that time had passed and this was the new reality. Hard to explain, but it felt alright. My brother-in-law is dating someone and I am happy for that, they seem like a good match. My sister is missed, but I kind of felt her there.

Here are the kiddos. My sister's boys are in college now, and doing well. That's Mr W in the gold shirt, and my brother's girls. I was very impressed how the younger kids were able to occupy themselves while the adults hung out. I remember the days when we could only get a sentence or two in before someone needed a refill, snack, diaper change or boo-boo kiss.

We rode the light rail to downtown Cleveland, walked around a bit and had lunch. This is the West Side Market, which was largely closed that day. We had hoped to go to a brewpub/restaurant in the area, but they had a very long wait, so we ate at a little diner.

The shark shirts were a hit! All the boys thought they were a little goofy, but were good sports about it.

Here's my dad with my sister's older boy, Pat. We celebrated my dad's 77th birthday when we were home, and I hope I'm in as good of shape when I get to be 77.

Mr W and I rolled into town around 8:30 and his dad wanted to have their Christmas on Christmas eve, so I dropped him off. He still finds his new step-brother to be mostly a pain in the neck, and it sounds like the kid is having some difficulty adjusting to his life changes (which are significant - mom gets married, kid has to move and start a new school). I'm going to talk to his dad again and get his perspective on things.

After I dropped off Mr W, I picked up Sally, who did some time at the kennel and then was picked up by a friend from the dog park to stay with her and her dog for a couple of days. Apparently getting picked up by Beth was a little confusing to my dear dog, but it worked out. I'm thankful to have Sal around, as the house is pretty quiet with just me here. She of course is sleeping on my bed.

I thought I'd make some cookies to share with dog park folks later, work on some bracelet stuff, unpack, etc. today. A low key day.

I hope you get to celebrate this day exactly how you want to.

Accumulation

Here's this year's version of the my Christmas tree. It was part of a busy day yesterday where I got some stuff cooked to freeze and we rearranged Mr W's room. When I bought this house, 6 years ago, I had the back porch bumped out 4' to make a small room for him. It's 8 x 8, and I'm pleased (relieved) that we were able to move stuff around in such a small space.

Six years! Now I will tell you a tale of woe and subsequent adjustment. When I was married, our Christmas tree was covered with homemade ornaments from my ex's aunt. So when it was time to set up my own tree, I started from scratch. So I went to (where else) Target and bought a bucket of those satin string colored balls, and a bunch of plastic snowflakes. Add a couple of things Mr W made at school and there were the ornaments for the tree. It bugged me at the time, and seemed to be some kind of symbol of what I had lost after getting divorced.

But as time has gone on, and I've perused the after-Christmas sales for quirky ornaments, and have received some ornaments as gifts, I'm good. The one I got from the estate sale across the street, with the red dot, fits right in. I've got a few more ornaments than I put on the tree, and there's just a few plastic snowflakes and satin balls on there now. The tree, bought 3-4 years ago at the Goodwill store, goes up in a flash, I've got the right amount of lights, and the process now gives me satisfaction instead of being a reminder of something lost. As it should be.

In a Christmas ornament related train of thought, we'll be celebrating Christmas at my sister's family's house this year. If you're not familiar with the story, my sister died in 2008 at age 45 of stage 4 colon cancer that was simply detected too late. You can look at the label "Sister Kris" if you want to read more about that. She wasn't a nun, just one of several people of that name we were keeping track of.

Anyway, after my mom died, Kris got all our family ornaments. Now that Kris is gone, they're part of her family's traditions. Still, I'm hoping I can talk to my BIL and see if he'd be OK with me taking a couple. There's on in particular that hung on my mom's family's tree when she was growing up. Not much to look at, but so very sentimental. And along those same lines, my dad called me the other day, and said he's moving to Florida. My initial reaction was "'bout time!" since he's talked about it for years. But he's a little nervous about getting everything either packed up or sold off, naturally. He mentioned that he'd be bringing over some of my mom's old little statues and figurines that he kept but is ready to part with. We'll see how that goes.

My initial plan was to have us just use carry-ons. Hmm. Still undecided. Anyway, it looks like there will be some shuffling of family objects. It's all good.

Finally, here's something I thought my nephews (20 and 22) might like? Maybe...

18 years

Hard to believe, but my mom's been gone for 18 years now. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, which had spread to her lungs. She was a smoker, and was never able to kick it. It was pretty quick, six weeks from diagnosis until she died. I regret that we never really discussed the idea of her dying with her. We were so completely overwhelmed by the idea of her being sick that I think we never considered that she'd die until it was just about over.

I'd like to think I did a little better with my sister, at least trying to ask what she wanted to do, and to listen to her vent her outrage and sadness that this had happened to her. You can search the label "Sister Kris" to read my posts about her. My sisters in law referred to her as "Sister" because my dad's partner is also a Chris(tine).

I was thinking a couple of days ago, as I felt this day getting closer, that I do OK with these losses if I take them out and examine them occasionally, but continue to look forward. I'm not as afraid of getting taken early as I once was. Or of dying alone, without a partner to support me emotionally. I'm not sure if it's simply the time having passed, or that I feel like I'm eating pretty well, exercising, getting health screenings and trying to watch my stress, and so am doing really all I can, prevention wise. It sounds morose, but after I went out for a drink the other day with the person I dated briefly and now is just a friend I thought, "He'd take me to chemo if I needed it." I'm not sure where that came from, I have no diagnosis to share, but it did prompt a bout of list-making in my head of people I know (some whom I've dated, and friends) of people who would pitch in in this manner if need be. And I was comforted. Not planning on needing the help any time soon, but it felt good to have the knowledge.

ANY-way, sorry for the somber tone of this post, but I wanted to share another thing. Oh, wait. Before I do that, I haven't mentioned how fabulous my mom was. She was a nurse, had three kids one year apart (plus one more, six years later) and went back to work after her kids were in school. She juggled it all, and had a clean house, cooked dinner every night. She was my friend as well, and a solid supporter of me getting a good education so I could support myself. After she graduated from nursing school in the late 1950's, she and her friend took an epic road trip out West, and worked at various hospitals as they saw this part of the country. Two single gals seeing the world. Love that.

OK here's the last bit. Last night I went to a Meet Up meet up called "Haunted Fort Collins". Two women do walking tours around downtown and one does the history, and the other can see spirits of local ghosts. Now, I am a solidly evidence-based gal. I figured she'd be all bluster and drama, but I bought it. She's quiet, sincere, humble, and absolutely confident in her abilities, which she says she got after an accident made her die briefly before being resuscitated. We made 4-5 stops around downtown, and the history woman would tell us about the site, and then the spirit woman would tell us who was there. She said she calls them in. At one point, the history woman was talking, and I glanced over at the spirit woman, who was absolutely looking into what I saw as empty space as though she saw something.

I felt nothing. She said this is normal. I was a little wary of going back to my old house all by myself, but I feel nothing of that sort here as well (phew!). See how I sort of want to believe? So much so that I took one of the spirit woman's cards, and might have her do a reading for me. She does kind of general readings of past and future stuff. While I stood there listening to her describe her services to someone else, she told this person she can "see" into the body as well. And proceeded to point to this woman's hip, saying she had something funky going on with a ligament there.

Since this happened close to a time when I'm thinking about my mom and my sister, I thought, wouldn't it be nice to hear that they're doing fine? I don't know. If they aren't, and it takes a lot of money on my part to get them there, it would start to feel like a scam, you know? It was really interesting to me to be in the presence of someone who felt as though they could tap into something I had no access to. As I said, I'm all about the evidence. However, I'm also not so arrogant to think there is stuff that science can't explain at this point in time. So, color me intrigued.

Ma? I might be in touch.

Happy Birthday, Sister Kris

I refer to her as Sister Kris now out of habit.  My dad's girlfriend is named Chris, and I dated someone named Chris, so it was kind of a bookkeeping thing.  Nevertheless, today is her birthday.  She would have been 48 today.  It's going on three years now that she's gone.  I still think about giving her a call now and then like I used to, but it's not as frequent anymore.  I leaned on both she and the rest of my family pretty hard when I was going through the divorce.  She helped me a lot.

Kris was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer when she was 43.  Everyone was completely blindsided by this, as no one thinks to look for it in someone so young with no family history of it.   She responded well initially to treatment, and I remember so much waiting.  Another scan.  And another scan.
She fought bravely and had her family with her when she died.  She would be so proud, so very proud of her sons, who are both in college now, and doing well academically.  She would also be proud of her husband, who shepherded the boys through, and got them off to college and the next phase of their lives. 

Having loved ones die early affects a person.  I was angry and sad and a bit lost for a long time about it, and only recently have started to ponder bigger picture things that don't take those events into account.  Not to sound preachy (I really don't want to foist any sort of strong opinion on anyone) but I get something out of a show called On Being, where the host interviews all sorts of people on the topics of "religion, faith, meaning, ethics and ideas".  I feel fortunate to have my needs met to the extent that I have the luxury to ponder these bigger questions, and I'm trying not to ever forget that.

I will have a glass of wine later, and toast my sister, and thank her for all she's done for me, and promise to honor her memory by never forgetting what she means to me.

Partial Holiday Recap

We had a wonderful time in South Carolina. Overall, it was a great Christmas and New Years, and I've got the signs of a cold coming on to prove it! The actual travel, after the initial snafu last Monday, was fine. Busy, tight connections, but fine. As I've mentioned before, being with my family recharges my batteries and the time spent with them is worth the hassle. We went to Folley Beach, shown above, on the warmest day. It was still a bit chilly, but so nice to be out there. It's funny how drawn the kids are to the water.

The weather was lovely. We also went to a local state park called Charlestown Landing, but I took pictures with my phone, and am not sophisticated enough to get those loaded onto my computer yet. The camera on my newish phone is really good for posting pictures to Facebook, though. My brothers took advantage of it being New Year's Eve and bought a bunch of fireworks, much to the kids' delight. The picture below shows some kind of strobe light one, and my younger brother is on the right, his girls in the middle, and Mr W on the left, dancing their moves. There were two other groups of people shooting off fireworks in the neighborhood, and it was very nice of the police not to ticket anyone - it was loud at times!


I got a chance (but forgot to take a picture - d'oh!) to see an old quilt top made by someone on my mom's side of the family that several years ago I had palmed off on my SIL. She got some input from experts on old quilts on it, and unfortunately, it can't have a backing slapped on it and be machine quilted. This means... Family Project!! It'll have to be hand quilted, so will start to be worked on by my SIL and my niece, and then I'll take it and work on it for a while. I've never hand quilted, but think that getting this thing done and made into the quilt it was meant to be is a worthy endeavor.

That SIL of mine also saved me gingerbread cookies they had made, and gave us ornaments they had made out of white clay - she's so crafty! She also wrapped and passed along something very dear to me, shown below. After my mom died, my dad had her wedding band made into rings for me and my sister. Three tiny diamonds, along with our birthstone, mine on the left, hers on the right. My brother in law got my sister's ring cleaned up and gave it to my SIL to give to me. To have this piece that was both hers, and has stones my mom wore for 30 years means so much to me. I was very grateful.


I need to get ready for work today, so will leave it there.

From the grave

I don't recommend it. Last night, when I should've had my computer put away and been making coffee in preparation for going to bed, I instead found myself deleting old emails. They sure do pile up.

On a whim, I clicked on "oldest" in my gmail. There I saw mostly junk, but I also saw several emails from my sister. It was the strangest feeling, because all emails are kind of equivalent, you read one, you read another, and unless you look at the date, you don't know where that person is right at the moment you're reading.

It broke my heart. The few I read were from about 4-6 months before she died, and they spoke of the possibility of getting into clinical trials, and she didn't want to leave home to do it, but the doctors had thrown everything at cancer that they had. She shortly after got too sick to travel, and never made it into any trials.

Ugh, this weighs on me. Hindsight is the cliched 20/20, but knowing what I know now, I wish I had taken a couple of weeks off from work and just spent the time with her. No second chances. Or are there? As I finally got ready for bed, sniffling, tired and feeling sorry for myself, I thought of my former MIL, who isn't dying, but is certainly getting old, and a little forgetful, and has been in and out of the hospital lately.

I visited with her a couple of days ago, for the first time in a few months. Life gets busy, and she "doesn't want to be a bother", so it can slip off my radar. I'm going to try (again) to keep up the contact. It seems she's entering a stage where visits and trips out for lunch and shopping will do her good.

(Please don't) cue that Elton John song

It's that circle of life thing going again. A couple of events that haven't directly affected me, but in reading up on Facebook the last couple of days, there's been the joyous occasion of a birth, and the sad occurrence of a death.

A friend of my family, who herself was the last of seven and born when her dear mom was 42, has had her first child. I had to look just now - she's 41. In my mind she stays a teenager. Little Corrine is absolutely gorgeous. OK, most babies are, but she's very cute.

And another person I know through my friend D is grieving the death of her dad. It looks like they knew it was coming, but that doesn't make the loss any easier to process. Grief is a wacky thing. You go on automatic pilot for the first couple of weeks. It's busy because there are arrangements to make, lots of people to interact with, people bring food - it's its own whirlwind routine for a bit. Then everyone goes home. Then, it creeps up on you and you weep in the produce section of the grocery store for a little bit, and then are OK.

When my sister died, I was practically begging death to come, she was suffering so much. We were all there when she died, and after she passed, I stayed for the wake, but fled home before the funeral. Looking back, I made the excuse that I had been traveling for a couple of weeks (which I had) and needed to get back home. I just had to leave, and still feel guilty about that.

So I guess the point is that it is important to bear witness. To take the long view and acknowledge that these major changes occur to all of us. I'm of the opinion that these events have a similar effect on us. Meaning, we all share some common ground in how we feel when someone dies. Or when there is a wanted child welcomed into the world.

Life IS short. There's a song by John Hiatt called Slow Turning (the link is to a live performance on the Letterman show). There's a line that goes

"Time is short and here's the damn thing about it,
you're gonna die, gonna die for sure.
You can learn to live with love or without it, but there ain't no cure."

I think paying a little attention to the passings of the people around us helps to ground our own experience. And before I wax too weird and philosophical, I will end this post.

I think I'm going to make it

As of today, I have officially made it to the same age my sister was when she died in 2008. She was 45 years and a little over a month when she passed away from colon cancer that went undetected (maybe for years) until it was stage IV or D and not much could be done about it. You just don't look for colon cancer in people so young. It spread to her liver and she died of liver failure. It was a horrible way to go.

Since my mom died young (age 56) I come and go on worrying about whether I'll be the next one to die young in my family. Almost all of the time, I can bring my thinking around to the idea that I watch what I eat, I'm moderately active and am doing most of what I can to control my end of it. I got a colonoscopy (not too bad, I don't remember it), and get my annual pelvic exam, cholesterol test and mammogram. I'm happy to report that I don't take any medications besides the occasional Ambien to make sure I get a good night's rest before something important.

But I think of what was lost here. Both my sister and mom were nurses. My sister was on the verge of moving forward with her career and was in school when she died. They awarded her BSN (Bachelor's of Science in Nursing) posthumously. They were both good at what they did. I don't feel compelled to become a nurse (not really, but I have thought about it) for them, but I do feel like I've been given more time and should therefore not squander it.

To that end, I'm trying to appreciate all the things that are going well right now. My job looks like it is secure for another year. I don't make a ton of money, but I make enough. My son is healthy and curious and I can actually see that my parenting efforts are paying off. I have my own home, and my health is good. I like how things are going with B, and am looking forward to seeing how that plays out. Even my dog is doing well at the moment.

So, I want to send a humble thank you to the universe for feeling as close to content as I have for a long time.

Happy Birthday, Judy

My mom passed in 1993. She would have been 73 today. I still think of her often. It usually makes me cry when I consider that she'd be proud of me, and that she and Mr W would get along famously. I want to tell her thanks, that her influence helped shape who I am today. Thinking about the double-whammy of having both she and my sister gone is sometimes a big whammy indeed.

Both mom and Kris died of cancer (pancreatic and colon, respectively) and I don't want to die in my 40's or 50's. I'd just as soon be doddering about in my garden at 80, thank you very much. To this end, I enlisted the help a couple of years ago of a doctor who is an internist and specializes in cancer and women's health. Dr. R. rocks. Dr. R helps me take good care of myself, and I feel like we're on top of things. She's got my whole history, asks good questions, and is really good at getting results from other doctors (like the dermatologist, and the mammogram people, and the folks who x-rayed my hip a while ago).

I had my yearly physical today and I told Dr. R. that I haven't felt this good for a long time. Over the last couple of years I had hip stuff, back stuff, elbow stuff and shoulder stuff that would bug me periodically. It all feels good at the moment, and I feel like I need to take advantage of this, so I'm making efforts to get stronger. There are 147 steps between the entrance of the building and the floor where my office space is, and I'm trying to do the stairs at least once a day. I want to hike and bike more this summer, and get the dog and the kid out with me as much as possible. My blood pressure was good, and my cholesterol is acceptable. I mention these things not to boast, but to give thanks, as the rest of my family takes meds for both conditions.

It was a fitting acknowledgement of Mom's birthday today. I'm trying to take good care of myself as best I can in hopes that I can have many more years ahead of me.

Sister Kris

I'm a little early on this one, but the fact that my sister Kris's birthday is coming (January 16th) just hit me with a little wave of despair. This happened last year as well, but I didn't see it coming, and it threw me into a funk. It's hard to head grief off at the pass, but maybe writing about it will help a bit.

Kristine K. Sawyer would have been 47 on the 16th. She died about a month after her 45th birthday, and I'll probably haul all this emotional stuff out one more time here on February 20th (yippee). She was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer in November of 2006. What they found were the multiple tumors that had spread to her liver. As so very many people know how this sort of thing goes, she responded well initially to chemo, had enough time to get her things in order, and then died a difficult death.

Throughout, she insisted on being the mother and wife she was used to being. At the time she was diagnosed, she was working full time and going to school full time. She wanted to get her BSN (Bachelor's in Nursing), and had signed on to work these dreadfully long shifts to maximize her time at work, while being able to see her kids. I wonder from this, and also my mother's experience dying of pancreatic/lung cancer, the relationship of stress to disease.

When most of the types of chemo had been tried, and there weren't many treatment options left, I remember talking to her on the phone about getting into a drug trial. I remember I was at the dog park at the time. From my very limited perspective, I thought, 'hey, you've got nothing to lose, you might as well enroll'. From her perspective, an untested therapy might shorten what little time she had left, and she opted not to risk that. If she did nothing, she knew about how much time she had left, and was unwilling to gamble with that. This makes a lot more sense to me now than it used to.

I'm going to have to continue this post later, as I wanted to talk more about what she did and who she was, as opposed to how this thing came and got her.

Every time I think about how she had to say goodbye to her children, it makes me weep. If I ever had to cry on command, that thought would do it. They and Bart have coped and survived this horrible thing, and it was good to see them last November carrying on.

She wanted to die at home but didn't make it. They had the hospital bed delivered a day or so before she died, thinking she could come home, but she never stabilized enough to make it. By that time her liver was failing and she wasn't all that lucid. I remember her looking at me and I thought, 'she can't tell if she's really seeing me or if I'm a hallucination'. That's OK. She had one final moment of clarity, which we sort of laughed with, because she sort of sat up a bit, called her sons over and said sternly, 'No cigarettes! No cigarettes!' As in, if nothing else, don't start smoking after I'm gone.

OK, more on this next time. Thanks for reading.

The day before

I'm sitting in my usual comfy spot, on the couch with my feet up. I've got my list of last things to do before Mr W and I fly to Ohio tomorrow, and it's not too long. Looks like we will be able to fit everything into the two carry on suitcases, and we'll each carry a backpack.

I downloaded a few episodes of TV shows Mr W likes to watch onto my iPod. You'd think watching anything on the little Nano screen would be uncomfortable. Not so. The clarity is so good that the picture is quite good.

Hmm...Slippers, or no slippers? I think we can squeeze them in, so I'll try. I need to take Sally to the kennel this morning. We could do it after work, but the cost is the same, so I might as well make our evening a little smoother by taking her in first thing. I think I'm going to get her evaluated for work as a therapy dog after the new year (or after the semester is over, anyway). I think she's got potential.

I'm of course looking forward to seeing everyone. I was in church yesterday, and the minister was talking about Thanksgiving family dynamics - we love to see our families in small doses - and I think mine is at the upper end of family tolerability. It will still be hard to stay in my sister's house without her there, but I need to do it at some point. I'll go out to the cemetery as well, bring some flowers. Note to self: put Kleenex on that list.

And one last thing happened yesterday that I wanted to note. I was talking to an old friend who lives in Denver, and after getting caught up, she asked me what I was doing for Christmas. She invited me to come to their house for the afternoon, and I was so touched. You know how when you're not expecting anything, and then someone offers you something nice? It was like that. So I will go and eat pirogis and homemade kielbasa, and try to keep my expectations at a level where I can be pleasantly surprised as often as possible. Life is good.

Random thoughts

Wow, I can't believe it's only 9:05 pm as I begin to write this. Mr W's been getting to bed entirely too late these days, and today was so wiped out at the end of the day that there were only feeble protests of "but it's still light out" when I got him to bed earlier (like 8:15!) than I think he's been to bed all summer.

I usually don't get him down until close to 9, then it's a half hour of making lunches and doing dishes, and it's 9:30 before I sit down for a few minutes. This is really nice to have a little extra time. I might send him to bed early more often.

He's in a good space, this kid of mine. And I feel like I am too. He knows more or less what's expected of him, and knows that he'll lose access to the things that he loves to do the most (Nintendo DS-Computer-TV) if he doesn't do what he's asked. He's going to his first sleep over party this weekend. Right now I give it 50:50 that he needs to come home early, but he very well may surprise me.

And, I have to toot my own horn here for just a minute. I have palmed off one of my least favorite jobs to my eight year old son. Cha-ching! His job, when we come home at the end of the day, is to put away the dishes in the dish drainer. I don't know why, but I hate this job, and having it done for me when I'm starting the dishes later in the evening has been such a treat. Yes, I'm working on the laundry folding thing. That's my other least favorite task.

What else. I've been missing my sister lately, and it's something I should probably devote a whole post to. Her family has weathered this storm with grace and courage. I haven't been able to talk to my nephews much about it, but I talked to my brother in law the other day and he's been trying to get out and meet some new friends. It breaks my heart all over again to think they've had this new reality forced on them, but what else can we do?

My brooding is in stark contrast to her usual outlook and demeanor. She was a highly skilled neonatal intensive care nurse, very competent and also had the ability to put families at ease about their little babies. She was awarded her Bachelor's of Science in Nursing posthumously, and her husband and two sons, as well as my dad and his partner attended the graduation. The hospital where she worked renamed the intensive care nursery in her honor.

If I think about this too much I get teary (like now) and I wonder how stuff like this can happen in this world. Always, though, I come back around, eventually, to the realization that we have our time now, that going through pain and loss is supposed to make us realize how good the good usually is, and we should appreciate (and celebrate?) the now to the extent that we let the little things go and get joy from all the stuff that goes right in a day.

OK, before this turns sappy and preachy, I will sign off. I feel appreciative tonight.

Must have been the extra sleep

Has this ever happened to you? You go along in life, doing the things you are supposed to be doing, meeting your obligations, and although you do all the required stuff you usually do, it just seems hard to get things done, and things aren't as fun as they usually are? OK, that's probably not a sentence, but hopefully you can follow.

More to the point, I feel better the last few days than I have felt for a while. As if I've left a burden behind, or am moving away from something. I think I placed a lot of significance in the anniversary of my sister's death, and was dreading the lead-up to it. Now that it's past, and I've talked to most of my family about it, it seems appropriate to start looking ahead again, instead of back.

I hate how the process made me feel like everything was off kilter at times. And it is a process. Losing a close sibling is a big hit, and there will always be a hole there. It coincided with some doctor stuff I was tending to (check ups, and everything's fine) and my mortality seemed to loom large over everything. I don't want to be the next one in my family who dies young. But that one doesn't haunt me often, thankfully.

Anyway, so I gave the talk at work, and a couple of people's comments reminded me how much I like teaching, and I start to wonder about what I should be doing with my life professionally. And then, I got a good night's sleep.

I think I get just enough sleep to not be tired during the day, and not get sick very often. I usually get between 6-7 hours, and that seems to work. I'm tired at the end of the day (like now) and get up early enough to give myself some knitting or blog or Facebook time before I start my day.

Well, I was going to get up at 6 yesterday and head off to work, but fell back asleep for two more hours. It was afterwards that I got the idea that maybe I could teach one community college course in the summer or fall and see if I like it.

It is rest that begets these crazy ideas. I didn't feel any more energized, just more optimistic. It's funny how that works. I don't know if I'll do it, but I am going to think about it. I have a contact person at our local community college, and was set to teach a couple of courses there when the divorce stuff started a few years ago.

So on that note, I'm off to load the coffee pot for tomorrow and head off to bed.

Happy Birthday Sister Kris, 2009

Today would have been my sister's 46th birthday. I have felt the day coming. Yesterday, I thought it was the day before all day. She died February 20th, so there's another anniversary to deal with coming up, but I'll deal with that one when it comes.

It's a couple of things, though. It's sadness mixed with the continuing desire to honor her. And I don't think she'd mind serving as an example of why early detection is so important in cancer. Her family is doing admirably. Her husband has taken over a lot of the domestic duties and farmed out the ones he can't or doesn't want to do. He works a hellavalot and has tried very hard to keep things as they were for the kids.

I was thinking the other day about when she was sick and they had exhausted all the conventional options regarding chemo. The prospect of getting into clinical trials came up, and there weren't any local ones that she qualified for. I guess it's pretty specific, as in, they want people who have had these agents and not those, AND have to have Stage IV colon cancer metastasized to the liver, etc.

There was a trial in Huston to try something like an ovarian cancer drug in colon cancer patients. She hemmed and hawed and it really stymied me as to why she wasn't figuratively running out and joining up for this thing that offered some hope. But in her mind, it didn't offer hope.

She knew that if she continued as she was, that she would have a certain amount of time left with her family, in her home. If she enrolled in the trial, there was too big of a chance (in her mind) that her remaining time would be cut shorter. I had never considered this, and respected her decision.

I have a friend whose brother in law was diagnosed with the same thing as Kris, only more advanced. Just like that. Not feeling well, walks into the doctor and out with the bad news. He was put on palliative chemo almost immediately. I can see what the future holds for them, and it pains me. It's more suffering than a person (and their family) should have to bear.

I'm thankful for the researchers out there, and for the push for early detection. Happy Birthday, Sista!!

She liked red roses.

Bad Timing

The chunk of time after work and before Mr W goes to bed is a carefully-orchestrated bit of maneuvering that has to include a lot of things, such as making dinner, doing homework, and getting the dog walked. So I zip home yesterday to get Sally and take her to the dog park, and there's three new messages on my answering machine.

I push play, and before this goes any further, the story has a happy ending. I push play and there's a message from my doctor's assistant, saying that yes, there's arthritis in my hip (no surprise) and that I should give her a call to set up some physical therapy. Oh, and by the way, Dr. R wants me to have my annual girl-exam yearly instead of bi-yearly.

At this point, it's 20 minutes after the office has closed, so I'm out of luck until I can call the next day. Bad timing.

I had to stay on schedule, so that's all I heard, and I'm out the door. And the wheels start to turn. Well, OBVIOUSLY they saw something on the xray of my hip that made them think I need to have a pelvic exam, right?

And you should have heard the cascade of thoughts in my head. "Something's wrong", "I'm actually sick", "it's OK, I can fight it", "I feel fine", "I'll miss my kid", etc. I wasn't a wreck, but losing my sister to cancer that snuck up on her has changed me. Whenever I start to worry about myself, though, there is a very interesting process that goes on in my head, which is a combination of logic and emotion. I always come back to the premise that I am trying to live in a healthy manner, and what will be will be. That I'm taking reasonably good care of myself and that I need to spend my time living instead of worrying.

So, I do my stuff, and get back home, and listen to the message again. I had missed the part, after the assistant had said the Dr. wanted me to have yearly exams, where she said, "so go ahead and schedule that at your leisure." Oh, *sheepish grin* I guess that means there is no emergency.

It's a good reminder to live here now.

The cost of a good time

I'm close to buying airline tickets for me and Mr W to fly to South Carolina after Christmas. It's been a weird year. Well, it's been a year of some losses. My sister died in February at age 45 of colon cancer. My one sister-in-law's grandfather passed and the other's father passed. Yikes.

My sister would usually host Christmas and we were always invited to go to Ohio for a few days. We get along well, so it was a treat to see everyone. The first night we were all together was always special, and we'd stay up entirely too late talking, laughing, eating and drinking.

I can't seem to make myself go to Ohio this year. I'm fairly certain that my brother in law will work as much as he can, and my younger brother will visit for a few days. I feel like a heel that I don't want to go, but I imagine they'll have the house exactly as Kris made it every Christmas, and I can't bear to see that without her there.

So Mr W will spend Christmas proper with his grandma and my x, and he and I will fly out a few days later. I know everyone who is traveling over the holidays gets socked by high airfares, but geez. I'm in for almost $900 just to get us there and back. Add on presents, food and entertainment... I'm thankful I don't have to shell out for a car or a hotel (thanks R and L!).

And for whatever reason, there does not exist a direct flight from where I live. I already know it will be worth any inconvenience, though. Mr W is a trooper of a traveler, and given a laptop and some snacks he can survive almost any airport delay.

Seeing my family reenergizes me, and I wish that Mr W could see them more often. We'll make the most of this time and hopefully have a chance to honor those who have died and celebrate what we have.

Remembering

I received an invitation to the dedication of the Continuing Care Nursery (not the NICU as I had originally heard) for my sister. I'm trying to think of a way to say this without being too melodramatic. Today marks 15 years since my mom died, again of cancer.

I think about what she would think of 'how I turned out' and I think she'd be proud. There are times when I could use her guidance, and it makes me feel that much worse that my sister's kids have to continue without their mom. It's not fair.

And I'm a little scared that if I'm not vigilant, I'll get sick and have to say goodbye to the people I love too. But this is more about missing Kris and Mom. So I will take a few minutes today and remember what these extraordinary women meant to me.