From the grave

I don't recommend it. Last night, when I should've had my computer put away and been making coffee in preparation for going to bed, I instead found myself deleting old emails. They sure do pile up.

On a whim, I clicked on "oldest" in my gmail. There I saw mostly junk, but I also saw several emails from my sister. It was the strangest feeling, because all emails are kind of equivalent, you read one, you read another, and unless you look at the date, you don't know where that person is right at the moment you're reading.

It broke my heart. The few I read were from about 4-6 months before she died, and they spoke of the possibility of getting into clinical trials, and she didn't want to leave home to do it, but the doctors had thrown everything at cancer that they had. She shortly after got too sick to travel, and never made it into any trials.

Ugh, this weighs on me. Hindsight is the cliched 20/20, but knowing what I know now, I wish I had taken a couple of weeks off from work and just spent the time with her. No second chances. Or are there? As I finally got ready for bed, sniffling, tired and feeling sorry for myself, I thought of my former MIL, who isn't dying, but is certainly getting old, and a little forgetful, and has been in and out of the hospital lately.

I visited with her a couple of days ago, for the first time in a few months. Life gets busy, and she "doesn't want to be a bother", so it can slip off my radar. I'm going to try (again) to keep up the contact. It seems she's entering a stage where visits and trips out for lunch and shopping will do her good.