Friday, February 12, 2010

Some thoughts on love

It's been a busy week. More busy than I like to be, really. I had Mr W all week because I'm leaving for MN this afternoon, and I tacked on things that could have waited until a different week, like getting my hair done. I also substituted for another instructor's class, because he's covering mine on Monday, and had all those lab reports to grade (which thankfully are done).

I had a dream last night that I met some people at a coffee shop, and went out running with them while holding papers that I was supposed to read. Elsewhere in the coffee shop, the owner was taking a leisurely bath. Hmm, I guess I feel like I've got a lot going on.

Those kinds of days I just need to plow through, and try to remember the big picture, where that stuff is small compared to other things.

Anyway, thoughts on love. Well, most years since I've been divorced I've been tempted to wear a black armband on Valentine's Day. I never have, because I think it's too much of a statement, but I joke to myself that that's how I feel. Perhaps it's because of the bombardment of advertising that makes single people feel bad that they don't have anyone to celebrate the day with, but I forget it's about love. You know, the stuff that is bigger than the romantic love on greeting cards.

I usually forget until after the fact that it's OK to celebrate the love I have for the people in my life who are friends and family. Even if it's only here in this post, which I hope it's not, I'd like to acknowledge the bonds between myself and the people I care about. I think I'd be a much different person without those connections.

And what of romantic love? I haven't given up hope at all on that front. I've had something interesting happen lately and it hasn't played out fully yet. I met someone online who was the one to start the conversation. At first I was sort of neutral about him, for a couple of reasons that I'm not sure are valid or just me making excuses for not feeling the way I'm supposed to feel. He doesn't have kids, is 6 years older and has been married twice (with valid reasons for divorcing in both cases, it sounded like).

Otherwise, we have a lot of common interests and I enjoy our time together. He wanted to move rather quickly to a physical relationship and I've resisted, saying I don't feel that way. The funny thing is, I'm not sure if I do or not. I don't know the extent to which we can modulate our emotions to proceed or not proceed in a relationship and the idea that I appear to be hesitating on proceeding makes me thing that might mean I simply don't feel it's a good fit for whatever reason.

And all of this might be moot, because the dating thing can move pretty fast. He might have already started up another relationship he hopes to turn into a dating one, and I think I'd be both relieved and disappointed. I realized I learned a lot, though, and it's stuff I should have learned earlier. My x was my first boyfriend, which simply amazes me now. I feel like I've had to do some necessary dating stuff at this stage of my life instead, because we all have to do it (or something like that).

Anyway, Happy VD. May the good thoughts flow freely and you feel 'da love.

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Hi, sorry to make the humans do an extra step.