Double Whammy

I admit, I'm having a tough time of it lately. I'll freely acknowledge upfront that the important stuff in my life is in place. I have my health, my kid is also healthy, I'm able to make the mortgage payments on my home, and I have a job for the next 5 1/2 months.

I find, though, that the job search and the partner search have worked to compound my anxiety about both, and I'm working to let that go. I've thought about what that means, "letting it go" and how I am not good at it. At all. In one way, letting go means to just drop it, to leave it behind, and be done with it. In another way, letting it go means that it will "go", somewhere, on its own, so letting it go connotes giving up control, although you are still interested in the outcome. If you've read this blog at all, you can probably surmise that I have trouble with both meanings. It's hard for me to get to that place where I feel like I've done enough and can set the thing on autopilot and get on with life.

I listened to this yesterday, it's a podcast of the OnBeing radio program, and the host interviewed Sylvia Boorstein, who is both Jewish and a Buddhist scholar and teacher. It helped. It's like I know what I need to do, I need to "just" stop worrying. I'm having trouble finding a path to get there. I'm pretty sure I will find it, but this is a difficult thing.