Just the way things work

As I've kvetched about off and on, I have posted my profile on a couple of online dating sites. This process, as you may have heard and/or experienced, can be kind of grueling. You put yourself out there, try to make some connections, and end up being rejected a lot. Although it might seem like other people have a different experience, I think the vast majority of people have to (metaphorically) kiss a lot of frogs to find their prince or princess.

For me, the worst part of the process is getting no response. Silence.

Did he get the email? Did he get hit by a bus? Was it something I said? How I said it? There was a time when I would get these pangs of regret, as though it was something I did or said, or somehow misstepped to cause the person to reject me. Boo hoo. I diagrammed it once, and I'll have to look around for it, but one time I experienced a full circle of emotions starting from being happy and OK , and then "he hasn't replied!" through "was it something I said?" through "screw him!" and back up to happy and OK.

It used to take me a day or two to cycle. Now it takes me about 20 seconds or less. But it still happens sometimes that I can't shake this feeling of being irked that the other party hasn't shown the common courtesy of sending a "no thanks" after we've exchanged a few emails.

I went through it this week. I've been exchanging emails with someone new who seemed interesting and then there was nothing. I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I didn't sleep very well last night, partly because I was thinking about it. And come 4:15 am, when it was clear I was up for the day, I went to the dating site, blocked any further communication from him, and made my profile hidden. Good riddance.

And I decided, then, that I am taking a break from this, and he can kiss my whatever. Done. Because the only thing I can change is my own behavior, right? Now, in my last clever missive to this guy, I had included my personal email, thinking it was time to do so. You know where this is going. I have sworn off online dating, I am so done it's not even funny. And he sends a really nice email today, saying he's been just swamped with school (he's returning for a second bachelor's), and is sorry for not having written sooner.

I am so amazed at how things work sometimes. I was ready to take a break. I had made the decision to take the profile down, did it and meant it. And then, the very same day, he emails. I am a little bewildered at how the universe works sometimes. Or fate, or whatever it is.

I did tell him, though, that I'd like to meet him. I know that violates some kind of etiquette, in that the guy is supposed to drive that part of it, but I need to see if he's worth waiting several days between emails for in the first place, you know?

What is a good value?

I got the first estimate for my deck project, and it's about $4,000 more than I thought it would be, at just a bit over $11,000. I like this guy, and would not mind at all working with him. I'm still waiting for the second bid, and won't get that for several days, but let's assume for the moment that it's close to the first one.

I'm having trouble justifying this project. I have no doubt I would use a deck, and it would be nice to have direct access to the yard from the house. I don't know if that is worth $11,000 to me.

I'm wondering if the money would be better spent on something else. I bet I could get a modest kitchen remodel for $11,000 that would add value to the house. And for that matter, we've gotten another wave of "well, we're not sure what the budgets are going to be looking like for the next fiscal year" at work. I actually ran into my boss's boss, who is this totally nice guy, and who took about 15 minutes out of his day, as he was on his way to something else, to talk with me about the state of things. They just don't know at this point. Money was taken away, but likely we'll get some of it back. How much, no one knows. People are working on it.

This doesn't sound like a good time to spend that money, does it?

It's really important to me, if I get work done on the house, for the work to add value to it. So what would add more, a deck, or a nicer kitchen? I think the answer there is obvious, but I'd like to know whether the deck would add anything at all. Who tells people these things? I had an appraiser come out to do an appraisal the refi, I wonder if he'd be able to answer that.

In response to the job wackiness, I've found another teaching job to apply for. Not ideal by any means, but it's teaching the stuff I want to teach. It's an instructor position in Denver. Year to year. I chickened out of applying to the one in WY a few weeks ago. I like it too much here. But I've asked people for references and all I have to do is write up my teaching philosophy and send the application on its merry electronic way. So I will. I'll think about the implications more if they actually invite me to interview....

Live and Learn

This umbrella will be put on Craigslist this evening or tomorrow. It was, in retrospect, an impulse purchase, and is now taking up more than its fair share of room in my little garage. I've met with two new contractors and will get bids from both this week, so the deck project is on. Because of that, I don't need this anymore.

I bought it last summer in an attempt to use my yard more, which faces west and gets uncomfortably hot at that time of year. As it turned out, I think I sat under it less than 5 times all summer. I have considerably higher hopes for a deck, which will also let me just let the dog out to the yard, as opposed to me having to leash her up and take her outside like I do now.

So, live and learn. I paid $350 for it and the dark plastic base that gets filled with water to stabilize the thing. I'll be happy to sell it for $100 (I'd probably take $75 even).

I've also taken pictures of a a few other items that I will also post on Craigslist: a bike trailer that I used to haul Mr W around in when he was a wee lad, a tagalong bike that he used for a summer, and Mr W's old bike, which is in really nice shape, but he's outgrown. If I can sell all of these things, I'll have recouped the investment for my raised beds.

In addition, I got a nice surprise today, in that my dad sent me some money towards plants for the garden - sweet!! Always the unexpected good surprises mean so much to me.

Agreed

Irrigation

With my raised beds done and in place, I have to now decide what to do about irrigation. There is no way I can be trusted to water things regularly, so have pretty much always used a timer to give everything 15-30 minutes of water a day. I use soaker hoses, and those have worked well for me.

I've heard of some people using a drip irrigation system, but that seems like more work to me. I'm OK with cutting old regular hose to the proper length, attaching fittings and then cutting soaker hose to fit on each bed. Is a drip system worth it? I'm also under the impression that having a drip system will limit my options a bit as far as where the driplines get pointed. I guess I just don't know all that much about a drip system. Any thoughts from readers would be welcome.

I had asked the other day what people thought of battery packs and drill bits and actually went to Home Depot last Friday to just buy a corded drill and a new, quality drill bit. I stood in the power tool aisle (with no one appearing to help me, which was unusual for 6 pm on a Friday night) for 15 minutes, but couldn't justify the purchase. I can't think of anything else I'd really use the thing for, so I'm going to search for new batteries online and see how much those cost. A new drill was only $40-$50, so if batteries are $30, then it's a wash and I'll either rent one for the day, or buy a corded one. Haven't checked rental prices yet.

Raised bed day!!

Here's what the yard looked like this morning. With all the moving going on at work, I was able to get two book cases (7' x 35" x 16"), and my co-worker helped me get them home with her truck. I know, that's the fate of people with trucks, isn't it? I bought her a gift card to the gelato store for her trouble.

I also got about a dozen moving boxes, which I cut into 2' sections, soaked in water, and put down (overlapping along the way) along the fence line and under where the raised beds would be. This is for weed control, and we'll see how it works out. The plants are supposed to have no problem penetrating with their roots, but weed seeds aren't supposed to be able to get through from the bottom. It was nice to have uniformly sized pieces of cardboard.

I knocked the plywood backs off the book cases with a mallet, and folded/broke them in half lengthwise to use like the cardboard, except I put them down on the sides of the beds as something for weed control on the paths. Not sure how this will work either, except that we don't get all that much rain here, so the mulch probably won't wash off of the plywood.

I also raked up leaves and stuff out of the yard, and put that in the bottom of each bed. You are supposed to be able to have a layer of non-composted compostable stuff, so I did.

It's important to overlap the pieces of cardboard and also to have them stick out from under the raised bed- again, for weed control.

Almost two yards of soil/compost mix later, and the beds are filled. I had to go back to the store and get more mulch, but I couldn't rest until all the cardboard was covered up. The square thing in the middle is going to get a couple more layers of 4 x 4's and will hold raspberries. Maybe. If I didn't make things too tight back there. It was a concerted effort to make the pathways along the fence wide enough for my cart, and I'm glad I did. The pot is something that I'm planning on getting rid of, it was just to heavy to haul it off today.

The proud gardener! I gotta get me a new hat - that one makes my head look small...

Happy Birthday, Judy

My mom passed in 1993. She would have been 73 today. I still think of her often. It usually makes me cry when I consider that she'd be proud of me, and that she and Mr W would get along famously. I want to tell her thanks, that her influence helped shape who I am today. Thinking about the double-whammy of having both she and my sister gone is sometimes a big whammy indeed.

Both mom and Kris died of cancer (pancreatic and colon, respectively) and I don't want to die in my 40's or 50's. I'd just as soon be doddering about in my garden at 80, thank you very much. To this end, I enlisted the help a couple of years ago of a doctor who is an internist and specializes in cancer and women's health. Dr. R. rocks. Dr. R helps me take good care of myself, and I feel like we're on top of things. She's got my whole history, asks good questions, and is really good at getting results from other doctors (like the dermatologist, and the mammogram people, and the folks who x-rayed my hip a while ago).

I had my yearly physical today and I told Dr. R. that I haven't felt this good for a long time. Over the last couple of years I had hip stuff, back stuff, elbow stuff and shoulder stuff that would bug me periodically. It all feels good at the moment, and I feel like I need to take advantage of this, so I'm making efforts to get stronger. There are 147 steps between the entrance of the building and the floor where my office space is, and I'm trying to do the stairs at least once a day. I want to hike and bike more this summer, and get the dog and the kid out with me as much as possible. My blood pressure was good, and my cholesterol is acceptable. I mention these things not to boast, but to give thanks, as the rest of my family takes meds for both conditions.

It was a fitting acknowledgement of Mom's birthday today. I'm trying to take good care of myself as best I can in hopes that I can have many more years ahead of me.

On the move

At work, we're in the process of moving to the other building. The CDC built a nice new building a few years ago with the understanding that some of the PI's (that's Principal Investigator - the scientists who run their own labs) like mine would stay in the old building. And while it is old, with no windows, we had a lot of space and I liked that.

Well, we got the word a few months ago that we'd have to move to the new building, where there hadn't been designated space for us, so they had to move people around to make room. We also moved our offices, so now we're in the new Cubeville, two to a cube meant for one person - but that's how we were before.

All this sounds like a major pain in the ass, but it's been OK. In all seriousness, I take their efforts to mean the higher-ups intend to keep my PI on instead of jettisoning his research program in the face of tighter budgets. I still have a job for the moment, and for a contractor who is renewed yearly, that is a good thing, and I am thankful. Really, the job makes all the other stuff possible.

And the view - well, the building is nestled right against the first foothill of the Rocky Mountains, and Cubeville sits in a room with really high ceilings and walls of windows on two sides. The views are absolutely spectacular. I'll post some pictures. The bird virus PI has parked a spotting scope in the break area so we can look at ducks and things on the lake below.

I might not get much work done for the next week while we are putting stuff away, but it will be nice to get going again in our new space. I also scored the best working spot, all the way in the back. It just worked out that way, as that spot gives me good access to the equipment I use. Here's to being productive again!

A power tool question

I have some 4 x 4's left over from when my fence was built, and I want to use them for making a raised garden bed. I was all excited yesterday to get the holes drilled so I could thread pieces of rebar through them and have an 8" high frame.

No such luck, with my two charged cordless drill batteries, and my 3/4" drill bit, Mr W and I were able to drill exactly 1 and 1/2 holes before the batteries gave out. The drill is old (10 years) and the drill bit is part of an inexpensive set of about 20 that I bought when I moved into the house.

My questions are: Do these batteries get weaker over time? Can I buy replacements at a Home Depot type store? Also, are all drill bits created equal? Could I spend some money and get a good one that will stay sharp? I imagine the answers to these questions are all "yes", but was wondering if anyone who reads this blog has experience here. Thanks!

Better late than never

I finally got my seed starting light stand made, only about three weeks later than I had wanted to. Oh, well, it's all a learning process, isn't it? The wood was scrap wood from my garage, and I already had the heat mat. The fixture cost me about $40 with shipping and included two T8 bulbs. The tray, peat pots and dirt were probably another $20. It's probably wise not to calculate the per-pepper cost of these endeavors, right?

I'm pleased that Mr W and I worked together on it, and I will admit in hindsight that I held my breath as he sawed the pieces of the 1 x 4. It's probably taller than it needs to be, but we'll see. The stuff has weeks of growing to do yet.

I also received the brackets the I'll use to make my raised bed, and they looked bigger in the picture, you know? I can still get a 14" high bed out of them, and that will still mean plenty of dirt to haul to fill the thing. I might go out yet and get the lumber today, but otherwise probably tomorrow. There is still snow in the yard, but I'm eager to get going. I was hoping to grow some peas and cool weather stuff before summer hits in full force. This shouldn't be a problem.

I am going to try the lasagna approach, although I don't have as much organic-y compostable stuff as I could. My neighbor, on the other hand, has a big pile, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't mind me taking the leaves off the top. I want to have about 6" of soil, 4" of finished compost and and the rest will be the organic stuff in progress. Obviously I'm still mulling the proportions over, and I'll probably have some kind of minimum amount of topsoil and compost that I need to order for them to deliver it.

Yea! It's windy and cool today (although sunny at the moment) but we're slated to have some really nice weather over the next few days.

Toot

It's not like I've been traveling or anything lately, but I haven't written as much here. This is for two reasons. First, we're covering photosynthesis in the class I'm teaching and that takes some time for me to prepare. Second, well, um, second, I'm doing the online dating thing, and I'm surprised at how much mental energy it takes to pursue it.

I'm not even going to reveal my ratio of emails sent to dates (OK, it's zero), but this week I had two of the nicest (really) "no thank you" emails ever. It gives me some hope, and I try to remember that this does not, by any means, represent the entire pool of available men, so I still might run into someone nice in the produce department at Whole Foods (right, Suzanne?).

This note, though is to toot my kid's horn a bit. I wanted to say how proud I am of my son, the one and only Mr W (that's short for Mr. Wumpkin, a name he acquired shortly after birth). I got his report card yesterday, as well as the results from one of the standardized reading tests he took lately. He scored in the 93rd percentile. I was surprised. They have him in the smaller, and I thought slower reading group (which was fine, and that's what his teacher thought was best), so I thought everyone else was reading like he was reading, you know?

For his part, he said he had to guess at some of the answers, and couldn't see what the fuss was about - just a number. I noticed in the last few weeks that his reading has made a jump. I noticed it because he was reading me a comic and read pretty big words pretty fast. Didn't stop or hesitate, he just knew the words. This seems to happen about once a year. He kind of goes along, and then ramps up in some kind of skill - it's cool to see.

Too, too frou-frou

I've been on a pogo stick of a search for someone to cut and color my hair. I had the same woman do it for 10 years, and when I finally realized that I got a good cut about one time in three, it was time to find someone else. The next person I found was kind of militant in her view (chicken as pets, not food, for example) of things, as well as being open only on Tues, Wed. Thurs. I now am going to a salon downtown and I like the stylist that I have.

When I get my hair cut and colored, I really just want it cut and colored. I'm not, for reasons I'm not sure I know, into the "salon experience". If I wanted, I could have a paraffin wrap on my hands, as well as a scalp massage and a foot bath while my color set. I saw several people walking around with plastic bags over both hands and finally figured out that's what it was. The foot thing, I don't know, maybe it's all that Catholic school I had, but there's an element of servitude that I'm not comfortable with in someone bringing me a pan of soapy water to soak my feet in. These extras sort of took me by surprise the first time I went to the salon, but this time, the stylist asked, but didn't bat an eye when I said 'no, but thanks'.

It's funny, though. Product, it's all about the product, baby. It's an Aveda salon, and the stylist was saying how my hair looked so nice and shiny, and took the color so nicely, that I might consider using their $12 a bottle shampoo. I admit I really do like this spray stuff I bought last time that gives my straight and heavy hair some oomph. So I bought more of that and some shampoo, I think partly because she said it made my hair look nice!

So, I'll stay with this stylist, decline the extras and use the product.

Make mine a lasagna

I went to a couple of gardening workshops yesterday. One was on sustainable vegetable gardening, and the other was on the sorts of beds one can use in a vegetable garden. Both were interesting and I got a lot of good info. I've been doing a lot of gardening workshop/lecture stuff lately, it feels like. You know, as opposed to actual gardening. We got some snow this week, but it will be gone soon and it will be time to get going on it.


I purchased some of these brackets, which were sort of expensive, but I figured if I got them, I could make one really nice bed that will last a while. One of the emphases yesterday was on reusing materials, but I find I usually don't have the patience to sift through the freecycle and Craigslist stuff for more than a few minutes. I feel like I'm wasting my time. I know I should work on that more, and thought maybe if I could find an old bathtub with feet, it would make a fun planter for the raspberries I'd like to grow (image).

One of the techniques mentioned yesterday, which is very appealing to me is called Lasagna gardening. It's so very simple it seems like it wouldn't work, but the instructor assured us that it does. You start by soaking old newspapers (think 1/2" thick or more) or pieces of corrugated cardboard in water long enough for them to get really wet. You lay those down and overlap them a lot so for weed control. Then you layer uncomposted organic stuff - a mix of anything you'd normally compost. Then you add actual compost, and top it with a layer of topsoil. Sounds like it's worth trying.

In other news, I'm back doing the online dating thing. It wears me out, but I told myself I'd devote some effort to it before the weather go too nice, in addition to trying to get out and join things, attend things and do things. This past week I met someone, exchanged some good emails, and finally talked and Skyped with him last night. It was only when we were more or less face to face that we both realized there's no chemistry. Is it effort wasted? In the big picture, no. You have to be willing to have that happen a few times. I figure I've got really no more than two of those in me before I take a break. It is draining. He had such a cute smile... but we inhabit different worlds.

On for tonight

Tonight, Joel Salatin is speaking in Fort Collins. The talk was originally scheduled to be held at one of the more progressive churches in town, but has been moved to our local performance hall (seats about 1200). I'm so excited! After reading about crap like tomato paste rackets in California, and meat farming down south, I fear (get ready for this understatement) that factory farms may not have our best interests at heart. And those links are for stories I just found this morning while looking through my regular news websites. *sigh*

I find these "in defense of food" stories empowering, and I become more convinced that the more we can do for ourselves in terms of being informed (even if we can't or don't want to grow our own food) the better. I joke about wanting to be adopted by a CSA farm to learn what they do, but I would like to learn such things. I will at least be spending more money ($20 a week is my goal) at the local farmers market, and also (I think this is as important) breaking out of my shell a bit to talk to people at the market. I also want keep an eye out for other ways to learn about what would be involved to not only be a better backyard gardener, but also to someday perhaps pursue that dream of making a modest living from what I can grow on some small acreage.

Will he, or won't he?

I've been playing a sort of tag with the person I had wanted to use for my deck project, and I think I'm going to look for someone else - it's just not working out. He is a friend of a friend, and supposedly does good work, blah, blah, but he's made it so hard to get to see said work, I'm done.

We've communicated largely by email, with week-long pauses between emails, and me finally asking (via email) if he was still interested in the project. The answer was yes, come by and see the project he was working on to get an idea of the quality of his work. All well and good. I email him several days ago, saying that Wednesday (today) would be good, and that I'd call him to confirm.

So I call today, and he's got the gall to say I could come by, but he wouldn't be there because the floors are being installed. And I sputter just a little and say the point is for him to show me his work, and maybe next week would work? OK, next week.

I thought about this a little, and it's just too much damn work. It feels like I'm pursuing a relationship with someone who's not interested, as opposed to someone I'd like to pay a few thousand dollars to do some work for me. No thanks, there must be some decent workers around who can do this relatively simple project. Back to square one on this.

Here's what I want

Tick tick tick. That's the sound of the growing season slipping away from me while I look around for the right light fixture to make my seed starting set up with. OK, things aren't quite that dramatic yet.

When I attending the very informative workshop on seed starting last month, the instructor had an example of a home made stand that held a 24" fluorescent light fixture. He was very casual in stating that the fixtures could be had easily and for not much money. It has been difficult to find the right fixture. For example, I got a 24" fixture from Home Depot. When I opened the box yesterday, I realized it's the kind of fixture you install in a ceiling, so it's got no plug. D'oh!

Back to the drawing board. I've looked around, and there is a surprising lack of options for what I want. Sure you can buy a grow stand from a seed company, but as far as I can tell, they've got one bulb (which isn't good enough for a tray of seedlings) and they cost $70-100! A four foot fixture is bigger than I have room for, so two feet it's got to be. I guess I'll order from the place I found the picture from. I'm a little wary of ordering from a place that I've never heard of, but I'm getting to the point where I need to start the seeds soon.

We have thawed here in Northern Colorado, and except for a stubborn patch of ice on the northwest side of the house, the snow is gone. It all looks like someone should come through with a hose and wash all the dirt and grime away.

I bought a second composter the other day, and turned my pile. There has been a distinct lack of decomposition (i.e. I still had green grass clumps from last summer), and the ornamental grass I put in there I don't think will ever decompose (it's almost like bamboo in consistency). This makes me think that maybe I'll want to invest in one of the expensive composters, I don't know. I was hoping to have my own compost ready to use this year, but that might not happen. I did, however, get rid of 6-7 bags of leaves from last fall that had been in my garage, so that's good.

image

Hi, my name is Linda and I'm new here

I was in a long distance relationship for 2.5 years, which ended last fall. I traveled every 5-6 weeks or so to see him (he traveled for a living, so I willingly did the bulk of the relationship traveling), and would often work on my kid-free weekends to bank time for visits. I knew it at the time, but one effect of doing that routine is that I sort of put my relationships here in town on hold.

We all know it's hard to make friends. I think about my kid, who I've dropped off a couple of times at all day day-care when he's out of school and I have to work, and he doesn't know anyone except for maybe one of the teachers. Thankfully he usually knows someone, but any kid in day care ends up getting lots of experience making new friends.

Luckily for us adults, we can get online and find groups that have been formed specifically for the purpose of meeting people and doing social things. Meetup has lots of local groups, and I joined the Over 40 Social Club, the Card and Board Game group and the largest group, which is the Sport and Social Club. I'm excited about this. It's nice to have events already happening that I can choose to join or not, and it's always good practice to do this kind of thing, even if it makes me tired afterwards!

I sometimes feel a little insulated from social stuff, and don't quite know where to start. I've made one new platonic friend via Match.com, so that's a good start. In a sense, I feel like I'm doing things regarding making friends and just dating that I should have done in my 20's. I thought back the other day to how I married my first boyfriend. I look back and I can't believe I was so shy and retiring that I didn't manage to date some before I got married. Well, life has given me the opportunity to do that now, like it or not! And so I will comply.

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I love a parade

I admit it, I love to watch parades, always have. I've become disenchanted with the Macy's Thanksgiving parade because of the plastic people and commercial endorsements, so give me a small town parade any day. The candy throwing, the local celebrities, marching bands. The picture is of the Fort Collins Nursery's "Precision Wagon Drill Team" or something like that. They go to and fro with their wagons, it's fun.

My town has an annual St. Patrick's Day parade that happens this Saturday. Mr W and I already have a full day planned with skating lessons, a birthday party and a sleep over for him, but I think we will just have to squeeze the parade in. I've gone almost every year, although last year I was out of town.

I can remember going down to the parade right after Mr W was born, so he was probably 6 weeks old or so. I don't recall all of the details, but I do remember feeling rather put out that I had to take him into the pizza place's bathroom to change his diaper while the parade was going on. Ah, motherhood before I realized that the little bald guy calls the shots. It seems like such a long time ago.

In other news, spring is teasing us. Everyone is acknowledging how nice it's been lately, but it's always followed up by something like, "but March and April can be the snowiest months of the year". As though we're all braced for another storm. Bring it. At this time of the year, the snow melts pretty fast and there's a lot of grime to be washed away from the winter. As a friend recently said, the weather really makes one run for the seeds and dirt and want to get going on starting some seedlings for the garden. Bingo.

Sr. Joseph

My dad, who I haven't written about for a while, is alive and well in Ohio. He just turned 75, and is in good health. He and his partner love to go out and socialize, and Halloween is one of their favorite events. I just got this picture sent to me a couple of days ago, and it sums up Dad's sense of humor and outlook on life pretty well. I love it.

What a day!

In a good way, that is. I went out to move things around in the garage the other day and noticed the front tire on my bike was flat. It was a nice morning, so the Sally the dog and I walked down to the bike shop, where this very cute, but kind of young, bike shop tech waited on me. I don't see myself as the cougar type, but maybe I could make an exception... Ha ha. When I went back to pick up the bike, he was there again and said (ouch) "my mom's name is Linda". (Ouch) OK, so maybe he was too young. Anyway, I am the proud owner to two new inner tubes, and am looking forward to tooling around as it gets warmer.

From dropping off the bike, Sal and I went to the hardware store, where I bought myself a boxcutter. I felt a little like I should repeat often that I just wanted it to cut boxes, but no one at the hardware store seemed to care. I've ordered enough stuff in the past year or so that has come in cardboard boxes that there was a small mountain of them in the basement.

I felt like a total dufus, though. I'm all set to start slicing up my many boxes, and I can't get the cutter open to install the blade. I squeeze, and I pull, and I push and twist, and spend about 20 minutes, thinking, "I am NOT going back and asking them how to operate a utility knife!" But I did, and as it turned out, part of the packaging was caught. The nice guy at the hardware store freed it and I was on my way. I cut, bundled and got rid of about 30 lbs. of cardboard at the recycling center - yea!

I like being able to patronize local businesses. It's funny, between those two things, I feel like I got a lot done.

I also washed several thrift store sweaters that smelled kind of old and musty, and I just remembered they are still in the bathtub and will need my attention here before too long. I still need to grade some school stuff and do dishes, but it's been a good day.

So, the fruit thing

I've been freaking myself out lately reading the blog Casaubon's Book. The future Sharon paints is looming and sort of bleak for the unprepared, and I've kind of decided to take a break from reading her stuff for a bit - it scares me. But this movement to be more self sufficient, and also the preponderance (EDIT: oops, I had originally used "dearth" and meant the opposite) of female homesteader blogs I've been reading, coincides with thoughts I thought I came up with myself, but probably have been influenced by these things. I want to grow more of my own food, perhaps learn something about preserving some of it, and generally move toward being somehow more involved with the local food culture here.

I grew up in Ohio, and remember the fruit orchards near Lake Erie. The family of one of my x's coworkers at the time owned an orchard, and the memory of being able to walk up to a sweet cherry tree and pick this amazing (it was a good year, 1988) piece of fruit that the tree just GREW is still vivid to this day.

I've been thinking lately about what it would take to be a small farmer (small, as in less than 5 acres). It's totally a pipe dream at the moment, but beside me right now are books with the following titles: "Rebirth of the Small Family Farm", "Starting and Running Your Own Small Farm Business", "Changing the Way America Farms", "Making Your Small Farm Profitable", and The New Organic Grower". I haven't even gotten past the "first, you need to examine your motivations for wanting to farm" parts of these books yet, but the idea is so darn tantalizing. It's fun to think about.

For the moment, though, I will have to be content to manage my current piece of land (she said with a snicker), which is my yard, measuring about 20 x 30'. And that is fine. I love where I live, and don't want to make the mistake of taking on too much and then being overwhelmed. It's funny, though. Since I've been able to make the choice, I've always chosen to live in a house with a yard, partly because I wanted to be able to have the space to grow food if I needed or wanted to.

So, the fruit thing. Well, with my little micro yard, and the fact that this part of Colorado is rather limited to fruit tree options, I've decided to grow a few trees in containers. There are varieties grafted onto dwarf rootstock, and apparently having the roots/tree confined this way mildly stresses the tree so it fruits earlier and a bit more prolifically. And, having them in pots allows me to move them inside if there's a freeze warning, as well as keep them a manageable size for the yard. I'm still planning on having the deck built sometime this spring, and will likely place the trees on the west side of that, in full sun.

And the choices right now include apples and apricots, two of each.

Did I say last night?

School rules, baby. I was planning on posting my fruit epiphany, but need to get some prep done for the class I'm teaching. Cellular respiration this time. We had a really nice day yesterday that is getting rid of the snow, but my alley is a muddy mess. I'll take it over winter any day. Oh, and another sure sign of spring - our local Dairy Queen opened for the season March 1. Sweet!

LindaCO - Fruit Farmer?

I'll post more on this tonight, but had this idea that I could grow some fruit trees in pots in my small yard. I'm so excited!

I just forgot

My job allows me the flexibility to go see Mr W when he's in things at school during the school day. I've been good about attending the various functions for the last 3 1/2 years, and it usually feels to me like he doesn't really care one way or the other if I'm there. I get a a nod as the class files out, for example.

Boy, was I wrong. Last week, the third grade had their storytelling festival, and I completely forgot about it. The invitation was on the table, and I had it on my mental calendar that it was coming, but it passed me by. It wasn't until Friday night when I said something like, "when is that thing?", that I found out I missed it. He was mildly upset, "you said you'd be there", and "my heart just wasn't in it without you there". Ouch.

I gave him my reassurances that I would attend as many future events as I possibly could, and paid extra attention to him when he had his skating lesson the next day. That's right, I HAD my knitting, but CHOSE not to work on it. He was looking for it, too. I was up in the stands, and he'd look up occasionally and wave. It's funny, I really thought he didn't care one way or the other. He probably didn't, either, until I wasn't there.

I'm always trying to get Mr W interested in extra-curriculars, and we wandered around the pool-ice skating place for a while after his skating lesson yesterday. We walked into the pool area, and he was interested in watching... that's right, this is what caught his attention.... women's water polo. So many sports elicit absolutely nothing from him, I was a little surprised he wanted to watch this. He was impressed they tread water for the playing of the game (I was too, it looks like a difficult sport).

All in all, a very productive day yesterday. I got my mattress delivered, and got the bed assembled, and it's super comfortable. Getting the king sized bed that I had when I was married out of there and replacing it with a queen size has left some space in my bedroom, and I'll be on the lookout for a reading chair this spring at the garage sales. Whoop!

More thoughts on love

Dear self,
You're doing a pretty good job with this whole "being on your own" thing. Really. Compare yourself right after the divorce to where you are now, and you really seem like you are doing well: good job, healthy kid, nice little house, some hobbies, good friends. But you need to resist the urge to pursue relationships with men that SEEM like they should be a great fit.

Case in point, well, look at the situation you are in. This person found you on one of those online dating sites, you looked at the picture and felt, well, neutral. But the profile information was really interesting and intriguing and you liked where this person was coming from. Upon the first couple of meetings, there was a lot of common ground as to general outlook on life, professional stuff, religion, and you, dear Linda, thought that was enough that you should take the next step and point the relationship toward a physical one. Even though the ambivalence kept you up a couple of nights.

Let's just review this again. That's a bad idea. Make friends all you want with whomever you want, and save the good stuff for someone who you simply can't resist pointing that kind of affection towards, OK? And it's perfectly fine to go about your business for a while without "finding a partner" as one of your foremost goals. Honest. It's getting to be spring, and there's lots to do around your humble little house. So, try this, alright? Be single for a while and enjoy that ride.

Much love,
Linda

Work, work, that's all I ever do around here

In addition to my full time job as a postdoc/technician for a government agency grinding up mosquitoes and extracting their DNA in the name of science, I also teach one course at the local community college. It was something that I decided to pursue about a year ago, when I gave a talk at work and a couple of people remarked that it looked like I'd make a good teacher. I'm apparently swayed by flattery, because here I am, the second semester into it.

Let me say I love to teach. The students are generally responsive, and it makes me feel like I'm giving something back. The grading takes a long time, but after the grueling first semester of getting lectures ready (sometimes the morning they were supposed to be presented), I'm a little bit ahead, although it's still a 15-20 hour a week deal. I was really hoping there would be an opening locally for me to do this full time, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen.

The time it takes to do both the regular job, and the teaching job has had an impact. When I feel stressed about the class, I don't sleep well, and that pisses me off a little. I've come to realize I just can't do both, and have instructed a couple of friends to dope-slap me (metaphorically, please) if I get the notion to do this again in the fall. I've already declined summer classes, as I want to be able to do stuff in the evenings, will be traveling for work and vacations, etc.

Things have been a wee bit tentative at regular work lately, and it swings back and forth between "we don't know if our program is going to survive" to "we'll be OK". My boss is planning on field work for this summer, so that's a sign to me that he's assuming that we contractors will be around for another year. I've recently finished up a project and submitted the manuscript to be published, and am working on a couple of new projects that I'm enjoying, so this is good news indeed.

I've worried before about not working with plants, as that was my major in school, but it turns out mosquitoes, by virtue of the fact that each is an individual, yet there aren't really the ethical concerns about killing them for science, are good study organisms for the evolutionary biology questions I'd like to answer in plants anyway. So I've more or less decided that I'll stay here as long as they'll have me. The money is good, it's local and the hours are flexible. Overall, it lets me do the other things in life I want to do, and once I shake this class in early May, I'll be freed up to do that stuff. Like getting more involved in the sustainable agriculture movement here.

Double bad

Occasionally, Mr W asks about whether his dad and I will ever get back together. Up until yesterday, they were the distracted questions of young kid. Last night, though, he asked as though he thought I'd say, "Yes, that's a good idea. Let's try that". It probably makes perfect sense to him - x and I are in the same town, we talk amicably when we see each other, why on earth would we not just all live in the same house?

This bugs me for two reasons. The first is, of course, that I have to tell Mr W that it's not in the cards, now or ever, that his dad and I will be getting back together. It was a fairly clean break (although see reason #2), and not only has the offer never ever been put on the table, I wouldn't go back if I could. It pains me, though, to see his disappointment in my denial of what he saw as a pretty reasonable request.

The second reason is that I have to come up with kid-friendly reasons as to why the marriage ended in the first place. And that is hard to do, given what actually happened. I can't say, "Well, he had an affair so I was forced to take the drastic action of divorcing him", or, the real zinger, "Well, he refused counseling, and had absolutely no desire to reconcile". No, those things aren't fit for a 9 year old who needs a functional dad in his life.

I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to tell him what his dad did to end the marriage. But anything else makes me look like an equal partner to the end of it, and I think that sucks. For now, I told Mr W that his dad and I had problems getting along (even THAT is so chicken shit), and we decided we'd be happier living apart. It really minimizes what marriage is supposed to be, and I don't want to delude the kid that people stop being married for no good reason, which seems to be the case here.

Typical of a 9 year old kid, we talked about it for a couple of minutes, and then he abruptly wanted me to continue reading the bedtime story. This won't be the last time it comes up, though, and I need to come up with a better response.

Stitchy Coolness

My dear SIL Lori sent me a really cool Valentine's day card that I wanted to post a couple of pictures of. I didn't know you could DO this - use a sewing machine on a piece of cardstock - it is such a cool idea, I love the effect. She quilts, so know about things thready and fabric-y. It's so nice to be remembered!

Quote me

Well, quote Jenna, who writes a nice blog called Cold Antler Farm:

"Happiness is understanding you don't want to be, can't fathom being, anyone else."

Growing stuff

I'm happy to be attending a seed-starting class tomorrow at our local horticulture gardens. In these tough times, I'm thankful the city has kept the place open. Afterwards a friend and I are going seed and dirt shopping, and I hope to get everything I need to start my veggies. Taking a cue from Jordan, who is taking a systematic approach to seed starting and plant planting, I'm going to devote some time to making some notes on when I should be planting based on when I want things to be ready. I'm usually a throw-it-in-the-ground-let's-see-what-happens kind of gardener, so this would be a change.

Once again, I'm behind on prep, so I won't be planting any cool weather things this year. Instead, I'll be concentrating on building the beds, getting my compost ready, buying a load of soil and laying down mulch. Bye bye grass, my goal is to have a small bit of lawn for show, and that's it. I have decided to go ahead with the deck project, and that will hopefully happen sometime this spring.

At the same time, I'm still on the fence about joining a CSA. I don't want to have to drum up someone to split a share with, and I'd like to work some in exchange for a discount on my share so I can learn a thing or two about the process. The thought has crossed my mind that I could conceivably both have a vegetable garden and be part of a CSA, and then preserve the excess. Canning scares me, though, and I could see myself composting extra vegetables instead when I got busy.

I think it's important to get to know some of the people doing this sort of work locally. I still toy with the idea of being a small farmer (no animals, but produce and maybe cut flowers), although I don't really know what's involved, so it's a romantic notion of escapism. Still, the idea of growing things for myself and others is very enticing. Somewhere in there is a workable scenario.

This is partly Ginger's fault. Ginger and I share a cube at work and lately she's been telling me about her dream, which is to own and operate a guest ranch. Why not? Real estate is still relatively cheap, and she's knows someone who is interested in providing financing.

Such dreams. Well, it looks like there are people out there who are doing this locally, and even an organization the NoCo Food Incubator that has a lot of info on local, sustainable agriculture. It sure is fun to think about.

A proper burial

One of the things that I think is cool about my SIL, besides the great way she and my brother exist in their relationship (lots of back and forth, but in an atmosphere of cooperation) is that she reads cards. As in Tarot cards.

Now, I'm a sciencey person through and through, but there is something about the cards that, I believe, taps into a person's subconscious and reminds them (us) of things that either are going on, or that we need to think about. There are lots of different styles of decks, although they all have the same cards. She's had the same deck for a long time, and I like how she's familiar with the symbolism (there is a lot) on each card.

I asked her to do a reading when I was there this past weekend. One can do a general reading, or ask a specific question, and I usually opt for the general reading because it covers everything. I won't bore you with what each card was and what it meant, but the first two cards that are laid down represent where you are now. The first is what's immediately going on, and the second is what "crosses" it - what confounds, or enhances, or affects it.

My first card represented loss, and the second was the Illusion card. In short this meant something like, "if you think you've dealt with a recent loss adequately, you're fooling yourself". This got me thinking about the end of the long distance relationship I was in, and by the time I was driving home from the airport, I had mulled and thought, and come to the conclusion that I needed to send one more note to this person and put the relationship to rest for good. I hadn't realized it until that point, but it felt like the relationship ended without any tip of the hat to the things that were good about it.

So I wrote the note, he was his usual gracious self, and I feel like the relationship has had a proper burial. This is good, because I've been hanging out with someone as friends that I think wants to get a little more serious, and I now feel like I'm more ready to go that way. Yes, this is the same person I've been musing about lately here in blog posts.

It's wacky to me how this psychology stuff works sometimes. It seems to simple and straightforward that the letter needed to be written, but it took a long time for me to figure out I needed to write it. I feel absolved.

Dropped on the gerbil wheel

I got home last night from visiting my brother and SIL in MN. I didn't do much, just answered some emails, unpacked, and went to bed. Of course the cost of leaving for a weekend is to play catch-up for a few days, and that's OK. The visit was worth it.

It is always nice to spend time with my fam, and J and M are generous hosts. We watched a lot of the Olympics, which I think I gravitated toward because my TV is only there to play Mr W's videos from the library. It's easy to get caught up in the drama (I use that word in a good way) and appreciate good athleticism, no matter what country the person belongs to. We also marveled at how people from all over the world could do the same sport and come together and be a few tenths or hundreths of a second different in their times.

I need to make a quiz for tomorrow, get Mr W, get the dog, call the mattress people to see if they'll deliver my new (cue the trumpets "AAAAAAHHHH") mattress on Saturday afternoon, and meet with a person on campus about a potential job opportunity. It's sort of like being dropped on a moving treadmill.

I am excited to talk to this person on campus, though. It's a research/lab manager job and the job description and the kind of lab it is sound like something I would write up if someone asked me, "what kind of job would you like at this point in your career?" I'll know more soon.

It was a good trip.

Some thoughts on love

It's been a busy week. More busy than I like to be, really. I had Mr W all week because I'm leaving for MN this afternoon, and I tacked on things that could have waited until a different week, like getting my hair done. I also substituted for another instructor's class, because he's covering mine on Monday, and had all those lab reports to grade (which thankfully are done).

I had a dream last night that I met some people at a coffee shop, and went out running with them while holding papers that I was supposed to read. Elsewhere in the coffee shop, the owner was taking a leisurely bath. Hmm, I guess I feel like I've got a lot going on.

Those kinds of days I just need to plow through, and try to remember the big picture, where that stuff is small compared to other things.

Anyway, thoughts on love. Well, most years since I've been divorced I've been tempted to wear a black armband on Valentine's Day. I never have, because I think it's too much of a statement, but I joke to myself that that's how I feel. Perhaps it's because of the bombardment of advertising that makes single people feel bad that they don't have anyone to celebrate the day with, but I forget it's about love. You know, the stuff that is bigger than the romantic love on greeting cards.

I usually forget until after the fact that it's OK to celebrate the love I have for the people in my life who are friends and family. Even if it's only here in this post, which I hope it's not, I'd like to acknowledge the bonds between myself and the people I care about. I think I'd be a much different person without those connections.

And what of romantic love? I haven't given up hope at all on that front. I've had something interesting happen lately and it hasn't played out fully yet. I met someone online who was the one to start the conversation. At first I was sort of neutral about him, for a couple of reasons that I'm not sure are valid or just me making excuses for not feeling the way I'm supposed to feel. He doesn't have kids, is 6 years older and has been married twice (with valid reasons for divorcing in both cases, it sounded like).

Otherwise, we have a lot of common interests and I enjoy our time together. He wanted to move rather quickly to a physical relationship and I've resisted, saying I don't feel that way. The funny thing is, I'm not sure if I do or not. I don't know the extent to which we can modulate our emotions to proceed or not proceed in a relationship and the idea that I appear to be hesitating on proceeding makes me thing that might mean I simply don't feel it's a good fit for whatever reason.

And all of this might be moot, because the dating thing can move pretty fast. He might have already started up another relationship he hopes to turn into a dating one, and I think I'd be both relieved and disappointed. I realized I learned a lot, though, and it's stuff I should have learned earlier. My x was my first boyfriend, which simply amazes me now. I feel like I've had to do some necessary dating stuff at this stage of my life instead, because we all have to do it (or something like that).

Anyway, Happy VD. May the good thoughts flow freely and you feel 'da love.

13 more to go

I'm making good progress on these lab reports. The students actually write fairly well, they just don't quite know what they are supposed to say, although we give them pages of what is supposed to go in the document.

In other news, I signed Mr W up for skating lessons. Beginning Hockey Skate, it's called, and it's for kids who have not skated before. He's looking forward to it now, but when I told him, you'd have thought I signed him up for princess classes or something equally awful. Crying, yelling, accusations of me being the worst mother in the world. Blah, blah, blah. I told him he could pick some other sport to try, as this was the point after all, but he finally said he'd try the skating.

I wish I had that much energy to throw into something.

The downside

I am thrilled to be heading to chilly Minnesota this weekend to visit with my brother and SIL. They are consummate hosts and I always leave there feeling (besides full, and a little hung over) very loved.

There is a stack of lab reports on the arm of my couch that are staring at me right now. I have 23 to finish before I go out of town Friday afternoon. These are the first ones they've written, so each one takes 10-15 minutes to grade. I'm heading over to try to knock out a couple before Mr W gets up, and don't want to find myself at midnight on Thursday with "just a few more" to do.

I'm proctoring an exam for another instructor on Wednesday, so that will get me some grading time, but otherwise it's going to happen in the evenings. This is my least favorite part of teaching. On many of these, the writing is OK, it's just too flowery for scientific writing. I try to cross out what doesn't belong, and rewrite some sentences to give them an idea of what to say.

Others, and I've gotten one already from a student that is going to be a problem child this semester, are so poorly written they have too many grammar and spelling mistakes for me to correct. For this one, I'm recommending she go to the Writing Lab on campus for help. It's not my job to teach her how to make a sentence, right? I wonder how she got this far.

OK, 23 more to go.

This is the one

My dad gave me money for Christmas towards a sewing machine. I want something that can sew through a couple of layers of felted thrift store sweater, and this is the one I've decided on. I was going to get a refurbished one, but this comes with support and a 25 year warranty, so I think it's a good choice. It's a Threadbanger TB12 - I feel hipper already.

Sweater Score!

I went a little overboard the half off Saturday sale at the thrift store today. Look at my treasures!

First, the ones I will actually wear.

Next, ones that I will throw in the washing machine on hot and use for felting projects.

Finally, ones that in my most optimistic moment looked like I could frog and reuse the yarn to knit something else. Of most interest to me, technique-wise, is the orange one, which has no seams except for the sleeves. That means it's probably hand knit, and someone knit the body in one piece in the round.

If you're looking for sweaters for these kinds of projects, look for ones whose seams are sewn together, not serged. If they are serged, you'll see lots of thin sewing thread along the seam.

I have no idea when I'll get to these, but they'll wait for me.

Assuaging mild guilt

My ex-mother in law, who I usually refer to as my MIL, is here in town. She hasn't had an easy go of it at all. Both she and my FIL, who passed in 2004, had polio as teenagers, and they strived to live as normal lives as possible. She's in an assisted living facility here in town.

She and I had a great relationship when I was married. She tried really hard to let us make decisions that were best for us, as opposed to ones where they would benefit somehow. Very selfless that way. After the divorce, though, the responsibility of communication has fallen to me. Period. She doesn't call, and if I don't call her, I don't talk to her.

I know she's being her "I don't want to bother anyone" self, but I'm busy! I forget to contact her, and then a couple of months go by and I feel guilty. Every time I see her, I tell her, you can call me if you need anything, or if you want to get together. And she says, "OK dear", and never calls.

So I called her yesterday, and will pop over there for a visit tomorrow. I always feel like I've done the right thing after I've visited, but still guilty that I don't make more time to see her. I think I'll bring her some flowers. I bought some for myself the other day, and it reminds me how much I like having fresh flowers around the house. They were even fair-trade, so I can assuage my guilt over carbon footprints, and slave labor and such. Life's a little complicated sometimes.

The Weekend - part whatever

As usual, I have high hopes for getting a lot done on this weekend free of kid duties. This is especially so this weekend, because I'm going out of town next weekend to the frozen nort' of MN to see my brother and SIL.

My boring and totally attainable goal is to get my lectures ready up through next week, plus get the test made and copied. I'm also going to start working on my application for the Casper job (insert friendly ghost jokes starting now). It will be great practice, especially if I'm lucky enough to get an interview, for when it's time to move to the next thing job wise.

There is a poetry slam at a coffee shop downtown (a 10 minute walk) tonight. I've always wanted to go to one, and I'm going to try to do it tonight. I often chicken out on Fridays and just stay home if I'm not meeting someone somewhere, but it sounds like fun and I'm going to try.

Despite the snow, I want to start thinking about starting some seeds for the garden. I see vast fields of broccoli and carrots on our land. Well, not really. Mr W's list of acceptable vegetables includes those two, so we're going to grow those. Broccoli takes up a lot of room but I think that's OK, because we will actually eat it, as opposed to me growing something like eggplant, that even I'm iffy on. I've got other things I'll grow too, but I wanted to make this garden something the kid could make sense of by already liking the produce that will come out of it.

And speaking of my dear Mr W, my Zach, my Zachmo-a-go-go, is going to be 9 tomorrow. Holy Toledo. Nine! I'm so pleased at how he's turning out so far, I could just bust a seam sometimes. I love how he's really creative, yet analytical. We were at the dogpark the other day, and there was a 13 year old dog there. Mr W says, "how old is that in dog years?" I said, well, it's a hund... and he cuts me off and says, "it's 90-something". He was right, it's 91 and he figured it out in his head. Smarty pants. Love him to pieces I do and he's having a sleepover at his dad's house tomorrow that I'll show up with the cake for. Transformers on the cake, of course.

Hope your weekend's shaping up to be a good one.

Job uncertainty

I posted a graph a couple of days ago that showed President Obama's proposed budget in terms of funding for various science agencies. It's great news that so many of them are having their budgets increased. The CDC, however, looks to lose over a hundred million dollars of funding. We are part of the Department of Health and Human Services, which has a lot of other functions besides ones that are considered basic science.

It's impossible to predict anything from the graph, and it's only been proposed. It still has to be voted on by Congress. However, the new head of the CDC has proposed cutting funding for West Nile programs, so people where I work are scrambling to show what we do in terms of benefiting public health.

All this is to say that things are uncertain at the moment. And that has me thinking what I want to do when I grow up. I was so grateful to get this job, it's hard to overstate my sense of relief in landing it. At the time, I had run out of money from my divorce settlement, had asked my dad for money (something I hadn't done since I was in my 20's) and was using my credit cards more than I should. I had been ready to commute all the way to Denver or to Cheyenne, WY (an hour south and an hour north, respectively) for a job.

And this job has been a really good job. My boss is results-oriented, so he doesn't spend a lot of time breathing down anyone's neck. I get to work on my own projects at my own pace and I like that. I've gotten two good first-author publications out of it (a good thing in my line of work) and that's good too. I make enough money to support myself and save a bit. So if this job is eliminated, I will be bummed out not only because of the money, but because it's a good job.

But sometimes it takes a kick in the pants like that to jump start one to the next thing they are going to do. Although I've always admired and yearned to be a university professor, it's not in the cards for me while I'm raising a child. I don't want to move Mr W potentially far away from his dad, and I don't want the pressure of starting and maintaining "an externally funded independent research program", which is a requirement of those jobs.

What to do? Well, post-secondary teaching jobs include community colleges, junior colleges, and other institutions that don't have graduate programs. In those jobs, teaching is the main thing, and it's usually to reasonable motivated students that want to be there.

So, this is what I want. I want to get a full time teaching job teaching biology. I am reasonably qualified, if I may toot my own horn just a bit. I have a PhD, which looks good, I have taught before, and I have a degree in education (it was 20 years ago, but still). I keep hoping that my local community college will have an opening, but it doesn't look likely. They are, however, building a new building, which will increase their capacity to offer classes, and who knows. I might stick around doing the one class thing until they open the new building.

There is a job opening, though. It's in Casper, WY, (pop 50,000, making it the second largest city in WY!) which is about 3 hours north of here, right along Interstate 25. It's at Casper College, and it's doing what I want to do. I'll post more about this process, but I'm going to apply for it. I have a huge concern over how this would impact Mr W. He very much deserves to have two parents in the same town. I don't know how we would get around that, although his dad might be willing to move as well.

This post is long enough. More later. Thanks for reading this longie.

A post in which I bitch

There seem to be several things converging that are eating up my mental energy at the moment and I feel like I just want to rest. I'm fighting a head cold, so I'm stuffy and my voice is cracky. My dog park wipe-out is mostly better, except there's one spot to the right of my sternum that hurts when I stretch. I'll probably have to go get that checked out.

Work is kind of wacky. The graph I posted yesterday includes a cut to the entire line-item in the federal budget for vector-borne infectious disease (i.e. mosquitoes, ticks, fleas) programs. People seem to think they'll restore some of that, but that, combined with trying to shoehorn us into the new building (we were supposed to stay in the old building, but things changed and now we have to be accommodated by shuffling other people around) makes me feel like they might just say screw it, and cut the program.

I've gone around on this a bit, and I would be OK. I will do another post on what I've been thinking about career wise, but I can do OK on unemployment for a few months.

The other thing is that I feel like kicking myself because I haven't gotten far enough ahead in class prep, and I feel almost as swamped as I did last semester. And for no good reason, except I was waist deep in the online dating stuff, so I feel like my time was not well spent. I'll get time this weekend to catch up, and suspect I won't feel better until that is done.

One a bright note, Mr W turns 9 on Saturday. My sweet wumpkin is getting to be not so little anymore. I'm buying him an Erector set.

Uh-oh

Might be time to dust off that resume....

Graphic found on http://www.wired.com/

Why I Bought a Queen Size Bed

I bought this today. It's called the Rangeley bed from LLBean. I've liked it for years, and am finally in a position to buy a new bed, so after looking around quite a bit, this is what I chose. You may notice that it's a platform bed, so it takes just a mattress, with no box spring. I liked the fact that the thing was built in Maine, and the shipping was very reasonable ($35), as opposed to Ikea. The closest Ikea store is Phoenix (I know, poor me), and the shipping for a $199 bed was $259! Oh well. I like this my first choice.

I have my eye on a Tempurpedic mattress, which I have picked out (it's called the Tempur-Cloud, or something like that) and need to go order in the next few days. I figured I'd order that from the store here in town, as I'd have to pay tax anyway, because the sales guy was helpful (maybe he'll get a commission) and they'll take away my old mattress and box spring. Mr W and I tried out the beds at the mattress store the other day, and although it's expensive, it's got a 20 year warranty and that's only about $100 a year! Justification, indeed.

And I thought briefly about buying a full sized bed, thinking that, well, I'm not sharing a bed with anyone right now, so why spend the extra money? That ended up striking me as a little too short-sighted and pessimistic. I do think that at some point, over the 20 year life of the mattress (!) I'll have a need for a queen sized bed. Man, if that warranty runs out and I'm still sleeping single, I'll be bummed out! I'm thinking the odds are in my favor though, just a matter of time.

Books "on tape"

When I'm not goofing around on my computer in the evenings, I do like to knit. My TV is strictly for the kid's use, as I don't have cable or the converter box for local channels. He watches videos from the library, and I don't feel compelled to get cable just so either of us can watch more TV. I've never been able to knit and watch TV anyway.

I also feel like I don't read enough. I really don't, and although it's something I do feel motivated to change, I haven't yet. I'd like to go to bed 30 minutes earlier, and split the difference by reading for a little bit before lights out.

Solution? Ta-da! In a fit of multitasking, I've joined www.audible.com, a site that sells all sorts of recorded books as downloads. What actually pushed me over the edge was hearing an interview with the author of "Eat, Pray, Love", who has a new book out called "Commitment". I thought that Eat, Pray, Love would be a great start, so I downloaded that. Haven't started it yet.

The book I did start is called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. The book chronicles her process of finding out and then undertaking steps to become more happy. She wasn't depressed, has a satisfactory home life, family, kids, job, etc., but felt she wasn't as appreciative of those things as she could be.

I'm only about an hour into it, but I see the opportunity to do some of this myself. Goal setting, mindfulness, and allowing myself to "be Linda". One of her "rules" is to "be Gretchen", which I think means to accept one's own strength and weaknesses, without slipping into some kind of narcissistic tunnel vision. All of this kind of smacks of thinking about oneself a little too much, but I believe you have to get yourself to a spot where you're OK with who you are, what you want and where you're going so that you don't end up 75 years old and wishing you had enjoyed what you had a little more.

And listening and knitting is working just fine - I can do those at the same time, and am almost done with a scarf I've been working on. I listened to a podcast from www.knitpicks.com about blocking knitted things, and am eager to try their techniques. Blocking relaxes the fibers, and has one soaking the piece in warm dilute soapy water, rolling it in a towel, and then tacking the piece down to dry. All I need now is a nice scarf pin - Etsy, here I come!

I am so done

A month ago, I entered back into the fray of online dating, and I am stepping right back out as of today. Made a new friend, but didn't connect with anyone romantically. It's so aggravating, because there are certain benefits, but really big drawbacks as well to this whole thing (for me anyway).

I searched all the way down to Denver. Jeez, with 100 potential matches that met my criteria, you'd think (hell, I thought, anyway) that there would be someone to start a conversation with.

Wrong. My introductory email was either ignored (which still pisses me off) or politely returned saying the person wasn't interested, but thanks anyway. I totally respect the latter reply, by the way, and did the same to each and every guy (even if he was creepy) that sent me an email who I wasn't interested in.

It helped me a lot to remember that this does not represent the entire pool of potential suitors, but still. I'm not very good at moderating my activity on the dating site, and tend to check it way too often during the day, hoping someone has noticed me. And this, I believe, is a waste of my time and mental energy.

I was thinking today about the lengths I went to in order to maintain the long-distance relationship I was in for 2.5 years, and also how occupied I've been with the online crap (oops, I mean stuff) trying to find someone to partner up with. It was a bit of a forehead-smacking moment when I realized how hard I've been willing to try to find a partner, and previously to maintain a relationship, and these things have gotten me nothing, except a little wiser. Have I tried too hard? How exactly does one go about just "letting things happen"?

This is a lesson I'm still learning, and one thing I will do is to refocus on being involved in the community and doing a good job with the stuff I've committed to do. I have good friends, a nice house where there's plenty for me to do, a kid who needs raising, etc. Wishin' don't make it so. I don't believe much on faith, but I do know that I'll eventually find a wonderful man to share my life with. I just hope I'm not 65 when it happens.

Taken down

Going to the dog park can be a dangerous experience. Most everyone I talk to has been at least bumped into by a running dog. Sometimes we get knocked over, like today.

The dogpark is an icy mess at the moment. The snow that we got in December has melted and refrozen repeatedly, so the surfact is about 4" of ice. Bumpy ice. So a thrown ball can go awry. I was standing there swapping dog stories with another doodle owner and I saw a Lab named Sampson coming my way for a second before he plowed into me from the side and took me down.

And now, well ouch. The wind got knocked out of me and my shoulder hurts. People were very nice, and rushed over to see if they could help. The dogs themselves were very curious that someone was sitting on the ground, and Sally kept darting back and forth. Sampson's owner was very apologetic and I had the presence of mind to ask someone to pick up my glasses.

So now I'm wondering how sore I'm going to be and how I can stay safe when there's so much ice. When the ground is bare, a bunch of us walk when we're at the dog park, and I'd like to believe that a moving target is harder to hit than a standing one. I might get some of those grippy things I can put on my shoes for the ice, too. Darn dogs.

The weekend

It used to be, on the weekends when Mr W is with his dad, that I'd get a little squirrelly after spending so much time by myself. Those bits of self-doubt that I think most people have would have enough time to gain some momentum and sometimes I'd be wondering what the hell I was doing and where I was going in life.

Not so much anymore. I do miss my Wumpkin (I'm thinking the days are numbered that he'll let me call him that) on my off weekends, but I also appreciate the free time and time to "get stuff done". I try to cook ahead and make some stuff I can freeze for dinners, I clean my house occasionally (this is one of those days), and see friends.

I did refinance my house, and pulled out some money to do some projects here. It's funny. I feel like I should wait to spend the money until I'm sure I've been renewed at work for another year. They are moving our offices and labs, so it looks like there will be a place for us, and my boss feels like they will find the money to keep everyone on, but who knows? In addition, I'm grappling with what I "should" spend the money on. I really think that I'd use the deck off the living room, but it's a non-essential, and I could use new windows, and would like to put a half-bath in the basement (which I will likely never use, but will add value to the house).

My whole view of weekends has shifted, too. It used to be that I needed to bank hours on the weekends to use later, but that constraint has been lifted like a released rubber band - kapwing! It's been really nice to not have to work in work so much on my weekend (although I do go in for a half day here and there). I look back and am sort of surprised I did that for so long. I'm grateful (really grateful) my job allows me the flexibility to do that, as well as to leave in the middle of the day to go teach and make up the hours later.

So, here's to the weekend! I'm off to have some breakfast and clean up some dust bunnies.

MyJacketMyJacketMyJacket!

Here's a lousy picture of it, but I love it!! Thanks J and M!

Mr W's handiwork

This picture is of Mr W's and my lego creations. His is on the left, mine on the right.

More on the Jacket

My home phone doesn't ring that much. It's usually either Mr W's dad, or a solicitor, so I often will let the machine pick it up and screen calls that way. Yes, I've heard of that thing called caller ID, but I don't have it on this phone.

The phone rang yesterday morning as I was on my way out, and I debated about answering it. I thought it might be something about the kid, so I picked it up. To my amazement, it was a real live person from the Bemidji Woolen Mills company calling about the jacket I had ordered. She said they didn't have the red in my size, would I like a bigger or longer one of in red, or my size in gray?

Wow. I chose my size in gray because I thought it's going to be plenty big as it is. So now a gray one is being "sent right out to ya". I thanked her profusely for calling (they could have done this easily by email) and am looking forward to receiving my new jacket. Yea customer service!

Lighter Fare

No, the photographer did not get knocked over - she got out of the way!

Sister Kris

I'm a little early on this one, but the fact that my sister Kris's birthday is coming (January 16th) just hit me with a little wave of despair. This happened last year as well, but I didn't see it coming, and it threw me into a funk. It's hard to head grief off at the pass, but maybe writing about it will help a bit.

Kristine K. Sawyer would have been 47 on the 16th. She died about a month after her 45th birthday, and I'll probably haul all this emotional stuff out one more time here on February 20th (yippee). She was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer in November of 2006. What they found were the multiple tumors that had spread to her liver. As so very many people know how this sort of thing goes, she responded well initially to chemo, had enough time to get her things in order, and then died a difficult death.

Throughout, she insisted on being the mother and wife she was used to being. At the time she was diagnosed, she was working full time and going to school full time. She wanted to get her BSN (Bachelor's in Nursing), and had signed on to work these dreadfully long shifts to maximize her time at work, while being able to see her kids. I wonder from this, and also my mother's experience dying of pancreatic/lung cancer, the relationship of stress to disease.

When most of the types of chemo had been tried, and there weren't many treatment options left, I remember talking to her on the phone about getting into a drug trial. I remember I was at the dog park at the time. From my very limited perspective, I thought, 'hey, you've got nothing to lose, you might as well enroll'. From her perspective, an untested therapy might shorten what little time she had left, and she opted not to risk that. If she did nothing, she knew about how much time she had left, and was unwilling to gamble with that. This makes a lot more sense to me now than it used to.

I'm going to have to continue this post later, as I wanted to talk more about what she did and who she was, as opposed to how this thing came and got her.

Every time I think about how she had to say goodbye to her children, it makes me weep. If I ever had to cry on command, that thought would do it. They and Bart have coped and survived this horrible thing, and it was good to see them last November carrying on.

She wanted to die at home but didn't make it. They had the hospital bed delivered a day or so before she died, thinking she could come home, but she never stabilized enough to make it. By that time her liver was failing and she wasn't all that lucid. I remember her looking at me and I thought, 'she can't tell if she's really seeing me or if I'm a hallucination'. That's OK. She had one final moment of clarity, which we sort of laughed with, because she sort of sat up a bit, called her sons over and said sternly, 'No cigarettes! No cigarettes!' As in, if nothing else, don't start smoking after I'm gone.

OK, more on this next time. Thanks for reading.